I’ve always been a nervous kid.
Because my parents were divorced, my mom tried to make us go to therapists since I don’t even know when… since like 1st grade. I hated it until about maybe 7th grade when I started seeing the therapist I see now. Sometimes you just have to find the person you just clicked with and I clicked well with her. I’ve changed therapists a lot. I would have screaming fits before-hand just because I didn’t want people to think that I’m a weirdo.
I probably started taking medication for my anxiety in 7th grade. I take fluoxetine. It actually has worked pretty well. I went on a higher dosage my freshman year after I had a couple panic attacks during class.
[What causes panic attacks] is different for a lot of people, but for me it’s like social situations and I’m just always inside my head. Also, school and tests and what other people think of me. That’s probably the main one: other people.
I’ve always known that I’m quiet and I’ve always known that I’ve had a lot of internal thoughts. I’ve always had a pretty low self esteem. It’s just like you’re thinking about everything and you hate everyone and it just makes me very negative. It makes me not want to socialize and not go out.
When I do socialize, I drink. When I drink, it’s just like I have fun and I’m not thinking about, “Oh my god. What do these people think of me. Oh my god.” When I drink, I don’t really think about those things and I’m just having a good time and I can be talkative. It’s like I can be the person that I want to be and I know it’s really bad, but it’s just a lot of fun. When I’m not drinking, I’m always thinking about things and I’m always analyzing things.