December 3, 2015
I didn’t notice [the depression] until like 4-5 years ago, but I believe I’m born with it, I believe you’re born with it. I believe everybody’s born with it, it’s just the level of how bad it is.
I began to feel more like a failure. Any little thing, I’d beat myself up about. Gradually, it got worse and worse and worse, until I was like, yeah, it’s not worth it anymore.
[At] school, your grades drop. Your grades definitely drop. You can’t concentrate on anything. You kind of isolate yourself, even though you don’t really realize you’re doing it. Just in general, you lose weight. Like a lot of weight. Which is sometimes pretty scary.
Back, a while back, I was thinking about killing myself.
At one point, it was so bad that I would grade how good my day was by the number of times I thought about killing myself. You’d be very surprised at how many ways you can think to do this. Then once I think one, I think of several, and once you do that I’d start playing them out in my head. It is honestly the worst thing that you can do to yourself.
Another way [to cope] that isn’t so healthy that I use, not so much anymore, but I did a lot when I was really depressed, is physically abusing yourself so that you can forget about what a failure you are and all of your negative thoughts. This can range anywhere from exposing yourself to extreme heat or cold, cutting yourself, overworking yourself, pulling muscles, electrical shocks and, as I talked about before, not eating.
When it gets really bad, you open up and you find out really who your friends are.
There was one person I opened up to that helped me for a bit and then [they] decided, “Oh, heck with you,” and so that was rough.
Right after that friend left me, they just told a bunch of lies and said that I was doing things that I wouldn’t ever think of doing. Thank goodness that some of my friends stood up for me then or else I probably wouldn’t have made it through that.
I know my mom had depression, I think my dad did as well. It’s not too bad…they don’t talk about it much and they seem fine now, so I guess that gives you hope that someday things will get better.
I don’t want to say there should be a club, but there should be something where a bunch of students get together and just talk about their experiences. Just finding someone to talk to helps a lot.
I don’t get invited to a lot of stuff anymore. I used to go pretty much every weekend out with friends, but then I just kind of isolated myself and now, I just go out occasionally.
Just living constantly like that. It just wears you down after a while.