My entire life people have seen me as this ostentatious, gay [person], that’s what people expect me to be.
I have depression, I struggle with depression and a lot of people don’t really know that because my personality is so outgoing. I have had depression for awhile, it was diagnosed when I was younger. It was a parents kind of overlooking it type of situation. I just get into moods sometimes and there’s nothing I can do about it. I generally consider myself, especially in front of other people, a very positive person. It’s just those moments, like self reflecting times when I am by myself or with people that I am very close with, it’s very easy for me to just not want to do anything and completely shut down.
I am an ambivert, which is a combination between an introvert and an extrovert. So there are definitely moments, particularly when I am in the public eye or on stage or something where I’m like on, energy, 100 percent and what people perceive me to be. There are also those moments where I’m not. That’s something that I have been thinking about a lot, like when I do switch into those introverted moments. There are just times when I get too anxious and I just become really secluded and really turned off by the world.Essentially, where I don’t want anything to do with anyone or anything. I couldn’t tell you why or when. It’s very random.
I think the hardest thing [about depression] is realizing that you are going be okay, not only that, but you are okay right now. It’s okay to be depressed, to be in moods if you will, because there’s nothing wrong with it. If it continues, there’s nothing wrong with it continuing. If it gets better, there’s nothing wrong with it getting better. You just have to be okay with succumbing to those ideas and just day by day, continuing in living on like you do.
The greatest lesson I’ve learned, maybe it’s ironic, but to be myself. It’s cliché, but to understand the idea of being gay and having depression, it’s okay. In a way that feeds back into that extroverted side of me because I am okay with being myself. It kind of feeds back both ways. Being gay, it’s okay to be wild and flamboyant but also being depressed, it’s okay to be really chill and really secluded at times. That’s me, take it or leave it.
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